(unless) you’re eating hotdogs, fries or hamburgers, but not
for scrambled eggs, or
eggs of any kind actually, and make sure your house is clean. like
move
the furniture clean and use the cleaning supplies with chemicals
like no-name Mr.
Clean. your grandmother, the white one, used to iron her socks
and underwear and
sheets because it made them look nice in the drawers. that’s
what you’re up against.
also buy paper towels and make it look like you use them. keep
them in the upstairs
bathroom closet later they’ve left, but when they are there, make
sure they’re out.
buy store bought condiments, that means ketchup, mustard, relish and
mayonnaise.
make sure there are paper napkins at every meal. store-bought white
bread is a
must. buy wine from the LCBO and let the clerk pick it out and
make sure it 1) is not
in a box 2) doesn’t have a screw top and 3) it is not the cheapest.
put the food on a
big plate and pass it around the table. eat really slowly. say
grace like it’s the
normal thing to do.
clothing: wear a skirt that covers your knees and nylon stockings,
the ones
from Bargain Harold’s are fine. if you get itchy, don’t scratch.
wear librarian,
leather-looking shoes and a slip and a blouse. and for heaven’s
sake wear a goddamn
bra and not one of those stretchy bikini ones but a real goddamn
bra with polyester,
lace and a bow.
talking: there is going to be a lot of talking about nothing
and that’s what we want.
let them pick the topics. don’t add an opinion. don’t challenge
them. don’t be lippy.
don’t be a smartass. be polite. don’t mock the people by being
overly polite. do not
try to get to the bottom of things.
You know why they don’t send donkey to school?
(because nobody likes a smart ass)
actually, maybe for you, you shouldn’t talk at all. Just smile and
nod and look them
in the eye, but not for too long.
~ from inaugural issue As/Us, published December 31, 2012
